Since everyone’s looking / has a job now, let me share this useful information with you.
I swear it’s telling the truth… for my level at least, especially for “please advise, FYI, for your approval, hope this is helpful, please do not hesitate to contact me, thank you for bringing this to my attention, immediate and WE SPOKE.” HAHAHA.
I think the ‘brief, review and policy consultation’ are true too.
x x x x x
Please advise.
I don’t have a clue what to do with this.
Please draft.
Draft for hours producing a coherent and impressive letter so that I can fulfil my teacher-fantasy by needlessly amending it.
Please deal.
Do all the work on this yourself.
For your information, please.
Don’t even think of commenting on this but if anything goes wrong I’ll remind everyone you knew what was going on.
For your concurrence, please.
Preparation is at an advanced stage, or it’s already happening. If you have any concerns, no-one wants to hear them.
For your approval, please.
Always a great way to pass the buck.
Concerned (as in “I was concerned to hear…”)
A senior official is about to explode.
Surprised (as in “I was surprised to learn of…”)
Another classic senior official understatement. Signifies utter horror, disgust and fury.
Up To Speed (as in “Are you up to speed?)
Have you got a brain?
I have reservations…
“If you do this then you’re an even bigger fool than I thought.”
As appropriate (as in “please deal with this as you consider appropriate”)
You may bin this, but don’t blame me if you are found out.
Happy To Discuss
There’s a whole lot more here than meets the eye and that I haven’t told you. Should ring alarm bells.
Hope this is helpful
I’m well aware that it is not helpful at all. Please don’t contact me again.
Please do not hesitate to contact me
Please do not ever contact me ever again. If you really insist, try in two weeks time when I am on leave.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention
“Damn, I hoped nobody was going to mention that/find out about that.”
I would welcome your views on this
Does anyone have any ideas – cos I don’t – although I want to appear very consultative.
We Spoke.
Lets other people know that we have spoken and have a plan, but not what that plan is. Always followed by a full stop.
You may recall
You will if you’re any good.
You may wish to note that…
No you won’t, it’s bad news I’m afraid.
You should be aware that
Even worse news – not my fault, honest.
You may wish to consider doing this…
Do this or else!
In due course
In a very long time …… if I remember.
On The Back Burner
Let’s just shelve it and pretend we will attend to it later.
Immediate
Desperately overdue and should have been answered a week ago.
Policy Consultation
The authorities have already decided what it’s going to do. The document will contain one policy dressed up to look like several options, to give the impression that the authorities are open to suggestions. It will also have a few ridiculous ideas, so officials can claim to be “thinking outside the box”.
Interim Report
A short document explaining why the full report will be late, how complex the issues are and how hard you are working on it. With luck, people will forget about the whole thing until you’ve moved to another post.
Resource Implications
This will cost money/need some manpower. So either the department won’t do it or it will be done badly using existing resources.
Initiative
A totally impractical and over-expensive idea that skirts around a problem but makes it look as though we are doing something about it.
Toolkit
A mystical set of solutions that will somehow launch us towards public sector nirvana.
Brief
A very misleading word as briefs are anything but.
Media Handling Strategy
How on earth can we bury this?
Review
This policy is going wrong but we cannot admit it. Instead, in order to defuse the controversy, we will get someone who knows nothing about the issues to examine them for 3 months, following which they will provide a helpful synopsis of everything we already knew.
Workgroup
5 or more people sitting in a room failing to achieve anything.
Strategic Coordination Unit
There’re too many coordination units. Nobody knows what the hell is going on or who is supposed to be doing what. A new unit to co-ordinate the coordinators is therefore required.
Change Management
Finding ever new ways of saying “Like it or lump it”.
Empowerment
I’m not delegating this boring task to you because I can’t be bothered to do it. I am empowering you.
Information Management
Posh term for “filing”.
Milestones
A form of signage still used in the civil service although they ceased to be fashionable on highways about 150 years ago. Sometimes imply strenuous exertions as in “deliver milestones”.
If Harry Potter were written in Civil Service English it would go something like this:
Harry, along with other key stakeholders such as English Partnerships, the RDAs and Gandalf, and in the light of a wide-ranging consultation exercise, thought that, subject to appropriate consideration of the options, he would head, in an integrated and holistic way, respecting the four key principles of public service reform, for the cottage built on greenfield land situated close to major transport infrastructure interchanges by the end of April 2004.
(day: I have no idea what the above story is about. I think my eyes just skipped over that whole chunk of useless words. hah.)
Here’s my 4 cents (based on current experience):
You seemed puzzled.
Were you listening to what I have been telling you for the last 10 minutes?
Or what’s so difficult to understand, just follow my instructions, throw out your common sense.
(day: Damn you, it’s my usual facial expression – i.e. without expression)
Let me get back to you.
I have no idea what you are talking about. Lemme google the answer. And hopefully if you’re smart enough, you would google it too, so we don’t need to call each other again.
(day: my favourite. Or else, please call my colleague at xxxx)
Please enlighten me.
Talk all you want, but let me tell you this, “I’m as stubborn as a mule”.
(day: I swear, the higher you climb, the… mule-r you become)
What is your work load like for the week?
I need your help in dealing with my workload.
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